What makes a good wife?

For centuries the definition of a good wife continues to transform. In biblical and in modern times the evolution of the role of a women has a defining impact on this definition. In order to establish what makes a good wife we must evaluate the primary role before the evolution of the wife.

We find the first mention of a good wife in Genesis 2:18. According to the Holy bible, Eve was the first woman created for the man – Adam.

And the LORD God said: ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him (Genesis 2:18).

It meant that Adam was elevated to the team leader and Eve was elevated to be his primary team player.

What are the characteristics of a team player that would make a good wife?

Before we provide the definition of a team player we must entertain the thought of a team. A team is a group organized to work together for a common goal or project. A team player is a person who does his/her best to do his part in cooperation with the other members of the team. A team player does not seek to be a one-person show, but works together with his/her teammates and relies on their skills and abilities as he/she seeks to use his/her abilities and gifts in a cooperative way.

Other team player characteristics include:

  1. Humility – Godly humility is a wife who is comfortable with who she is and will therefore put her husband first. A wife cannot exhibit humility without exhibiting submissiveness.
  2. Submission – A wife’s submission to her husband is in response to her love and devotion to the Lord first. She submits to the Lord out of a humble and grateful heart, not because she is a slave, but a servant. Likewise, biblical submission in marriage is servanthood, not enslavement. A godly wife is motivated to submit to her husband, not out of fear, self-interest, or self-protection, but out of love ( 1 Peter 3:6 ).
  3. Prayerfulness – Results from a deep concern for God and the beliefs associated with Christianity.
  4. Dependability – Involves constant reliability and trustworthiness. Trustworthiness includes: (a) A spiritual commitment to God’s way of life, successfully resisting human nature and temptation. (b) Taking financial responsibility to live within one’s means, avoiding unnecessary debt, managing necessary debt and working together to decide the family’s financial issues. (c) A personal commitment to what is best for his or her spouse. (Your spouse makes you feel safe and secure. He or she accomplishes this through countless gestures, large and small, conveying respect, kindness and gentleness. This will help the husband to continue in his commitments and build trust between him and his wife.
  5. Holiness – A separation from the world and a consecration to God with a focus on ethical and moral values found in the Holy Scriptures. Jesus Christ is our perfect example of holiness. As God He is the Word of God but as a man He relied on the Word of God in every situation. His reliance on the Word of God made Him to have the mind of God. Through His reliance on the Word of God He loved what God loved and hated what God hated. Jesus lived a holy life according to the will of God because He valued and nurtured a relationship with God through His life of prayer. Jesus Christ was so intimate with God that He depended on His Spirit to lead and guide Him. He did not do anything apart from the Holy Spirit that was given to Him “without measure” (John 3:34). Holiness, as the word implies, is the work of the Holy Spirit. It means to be like minded with God and set apart for His service.
  6. Integrity – Biblical integrity is not just doing the right thing; it includes having the right heart and allowing the person you are on the inside to match the person you are on the outside. It also requires an individual to be consistent with their integrity behaviors.

Following these characteristics are that the a good wife works with her husband for a common goal. She will do her best to cooperate with her husband with the skills that God has given her. She will not seek to circumvent her husbands calling and decide to do her own thing rather than working in a cooperative way with her husband.

Herein lies the problem for most marriages. Many wives have not had an opportunity to benefit from the development involved in teamwork. Young male youth’s are indoctrinated into the teamwork concept through participation in sports. And only recently have young females had the opportunities to become groomed into the team building process. It still remains that their participation in sports is limited. Husbands must take an active role in developing their wives to become better team players.

The husband must begin with determining his God given purpose. If at all possible, the perspective husband should make this determination before selecting a wife. The husband can determine his God given purpose by evaluating his Spiritual Gift(s) and making a connection to his past experiences for the direction of his calling. After the husband has determined his God given purpose, it is a mistake to attempt to force this vision upon their wife. The husband must insist that the wife use the same process to determine her God ordained purpose. After this, make comparisons of the two separate visions and develop steps for including the wife in your God ordained vision. The road will become tough at times, but through faith, God will deliver the both of you into the purpose that He has ordained for your marriage.

Related Articles

Everything you need to know about being a good wife

10 Characteristics Of Wife Material

Top 7 Bible Verses About Being A Good Wife

In Christ,

 

Dr. Derrick and Mrs. Sheila Campbell
PO Box 4707
Cherry Hill, NJ 08012

(856) 566-3267
www.advancedmarriagetraining.com

Published books – Leading Your Marriage into the Promised Land

-Leading Your Marriage into the Promised Land (Workbook for husbands & Wives)

– Advanced Marriage Training for Singles

 – Husband Leadership Principles

               

 

“I was blessed by the love and sensitivity that you and your wife showed during the presentation”.

 

Bishop Joseph P. Ravenell

Samaritan Baptist Church

Trenton, NJ

“I would highly recommend you to any church or organization desiring to provide their people with timely marital wisdom and practical application skills”.

 

Dr. James E. Woods, II

El Shaddia Christian Assembly

Philadelphia, PA

 

 

 

 

How can wives save their marriage?

A recent article provides a wife advice that could devastate their marriage and lead to a divorce. Divorce should not be an option when infidelity is not involved. Wives  can save their marriage by taking their rightful place as outlined in the original design of marriage.

According to the article, Advice for the Modern Man: Can I Still Save My Marriage, the wife has several complaints regarding her marriage. This wife complains that she initialized several efforts to save her marriage. She has had several conversations with her husband in which he agrees to help save their marriage. She has even attempted to withdraw from the wedding, but her then fiancé told her that things would get better. She also stated that her husband is neither physically nor emotionally abusive.

The article author believes that the husband is negligent and the wife should use her existence in the marriage as a tool to enhance her husband’s behavior. “The time for generalities and hollow threats is over. It’s about action now. And if, for whatever reason, he still won’t get off the sectional, you have to be willing to walk away”, says the author.

The advice provided by this author is treacherous on several fronts. First, since the husband has not committed any acts associated with infidelity, she has no grounds to leave her husband. The Holy Scriptures are very clear in the area of infidelity (Matthew 5:32 &1 Corinthians 7:10 – 7:11)

But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery (Matthew 5:32).

And unto the married I command, [yet] not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from [her] husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to [her] husband: and let not the husband put away [his] wife  (1 Corinthians 7:10 – 7:11).

Secondly, the author should address the husband’s behavior for embracing the sectional. The husband either does not work and the sectional has become a place of comfort. Or he works very hard and uses the sectional as a device of refuge. In either case, this husband has missed the purpose of his marriage which is outlined in the original design of marriage.

Instead on complaining and exhibiting self-centered behaviors, the wife needs to exhibit behaviors associated with her role in the original design of marriage. The wife can find her original role in Genesis 2:18. In this verse, she is to help the husband with his God ordained purpose. But according to the article, she wants to be the center of the marriage. She not only wants to place herself above the needs of her husband, but she wants to place herself above God.

There are several women in the bible who decided to put themselves above their husband which resulted in devastation for the wife. One example is Queen Vashti.

In the Book of Esther, Queen Vashti is the wife of King Ahasuerus. While her husband was holding a banquet for his princes, nobles and servants, Vashti was holding a separate banquet for the women. On the seventh day of the banquet, the king ordered his seven chamberlains to summon Vashti to come before him and his guests wearing only her royal crown, in order to display her beauty. Queen Vashti refused to come, and the king became angry. He asked his advisers how the queen should be punished for her disobedience. His adviser Memucan told him that Vashti has wronged not only the king, but also all of the husbands of Persia, whose wives may be encouraged by Vashti’s act of disobedience. Memucan encouraged King Ahasuerus to dismiss Queen Vashti and find another queen. King Ahasuerus took Memucan’s advice, and sent letters to all of the provinces that men should dominate in their households. Ahasuerus subsequently chooses Esther as his queen to replaced former Queen Vashti.

Instead of taking advice that can result in a divorce, wives can take their rightful place in their marriage by becoming the intimate team player. This is their position according to the original design of marriage. In this way, they will work together as a team and therefore avoid the atrocities associated with divorce by positioning their marriage to prosper.

Related Articles

Kicked in the nuptials: Advice for an Alaska marriage

I Don’t Want To Be The Breadwinner In My Marriage Anymore!

Ask Amy: Marriage on the rocks needs quick help

In Christ,

 

Dr. Derrick and Mrs. Sheila Campbell
PO Box 4707
Cherry Hill, NJ 08012

(856) 566-3267
www.advancedmarriagetraining.com

Published books – Leading Your Marriage into the Promised Land

-Leading Your Marriage into the Promised Land (Workbook for husbands & Wives)

– Advanced Marriage Training for Singles

– Husband Leadership Principles

 All Three     Advanced     Husband Leadership Book     high-res-png     luveuphoria-app-for-facebook-png

 

“I was blessed by the love and sensitivity that you and your wife showed during the presentation”.

 

Bishop Joseph P. Ravenell

Samaritan Baptist Church

Trenton, NJ

“I would highly recommend you to any church or organization desiring to provide their people with timely marital wisdom and practical application skills”.

 

Dr. James E. Woods, II

El Shaddia Christian Assembly

Philadelphia, PA

 Derrick and Sheila

 

How should a husband interact with the in-laws?

In a recent article, an author proposes four solutions to ending the potential battle between the husband and the in-laws. The husband is the leader of the family and must consider the overall impact of his decisions. Husband’s will better serve their family by ensuring that an effective plan is developed for interacting with the in-laws.

According to the article, A Husband’s Guide to Dealing with the In-laws, there are four questions that a husband needs to respond to in order to have a better relationship with the in-laws. The first consideration involves the wife. Since the wife comes first, the husband must consider:

  • What serves her best as you think about her parents?
  • Does she need protection or distance from an abusive father?
  • Does she long for closer connection with her mom?
  • Does she flourish when she’s back home for the holidays?
  • Rather than thinking about your own interests and agenda first, what serves your wife’s needs and desires the best?

The second consideration involves the husband’s family. The husband should consider his wife, his marriage, and his kids. The husband can consider his family through by entertaining the following questions:

  • Do your kids prosper around their grandparents?
  • Is there something unique happening in the life of your family that means it is best not to have more stress in your household for a season?

The third consideration involves the in-laws. The husband should consider the following questions:

  • Is what you want to say for their benefit or is it just to vent your frustration?
  • Have you considered the ways your family might be able to bless them with access to your household?
  • Are there ways your wife legitimately needs to care for the needs of her aging parents?
  • If you have kids of your own, one day you are likely to be the in-law parents. How would you like to be treated when the time comes?

The final consideration for the in-laws involves the husband himself. The husband should consider the following questions:

  • What serves your needs?
  • Is it hugely draining for you to be around your in-laws?
  • Have you spent every vacation for the last ten years with her family, and now it’s time to try something different?
  • Are you trying to encourage a healthy relationship that moves beyond familiar passive-aggressive dynamics?

The problem with the advice provided by All Pro Dad is that it does not follow the original design of marriage (Ordermige). There are three phases to the original design of marriage. In the second phase, Adam was instructed by God on what he could and could not do.

God has left the husband two instructions that are prominent in how he interacts with his in-laws. The first instruction in found in (Genesis 2:24). According to this instruction, a husband is to forsake his mother and father for the sake of his wife. He and his wife are to become one flesh together. No father or mother from either side should be able to come between them. What also happens is that the two families become joined together. The husband’s parents become the parents of the wife and the wife’s parents become the parents of the husband.

The bible has left a very specific instructions for parents in Exodus 20:12.

Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee (Exodus 20:12).

The word honour in the Hebrew means to make numerous, rich, honorable. According to the law of first mention, the first time that this word honour is mentioned in the bible is in Genesis 13:2. The verse indicates that Abraham was rich. According to the scriptures, the husband should work with his wife to develop a plan that enhances the lives of his in-laws.

Related Articles

Surviving holidays with the in-laws

How to Have Holiday Sex at Your In-Laws’

Great in-laws are inclusive, thoughtful, friendly

In Christ,

 

Dr. Derrick and Mrs. Sheila Campbell PO Box 1668 Blackwood, NJ 08012 (856) 566-3267 www.advancedmarriagetraining.com

 

Published books – Leading Your Marriage into the Promised Land -Leading Your Marriage into the Promised Land (Workbook for husbands & Wives) – Advanced Marriage Training for Singles

All Three          Advanced

 

“I was blessed by the love and sensitivity that you and your wife showed during the presentation”.

 

Bishop Joseph P. Ravenell

Samaritan Baptist Church

Trenton, NJ “I would highly recommend you to any church or organization desiring to provide their people with timely marital wisdom and practical application skills”.

 

Dr. James E. Woods, II

El Shaddia Christian Assembly

Philadelphia, PA

Derrick and Sheila

 

 

How should husbands handle a smart wife?

In a recent article, a study revealed that men are less likely to formulate a relationship with a perspective smart wife. This study could have ramifications for the future of husbands. Husbands who have a smart wife can make their marriage more productive by adhering to the original design for marriage (Ordermige).

According to the article, Why men are threatened by smart women, men become threatened by woman as a result of violating male tendencies associated with male masculinity. The study involved 105 male participants. The participants read a hypothetical scenario regarding a woman who either outperformed or underperformed them. The men gave favorable responses to women who were regarded as a smart woman when compared to the man.

However, when the man was positioned to meet the smart woman, the tables turned. The men revealed a desire to distance them from meeting the smart woman, rated the same woman as less attractive, and indicated a desire not to exchange information with the woman or go on a date with the woman. The men exhibited characteristics associated with a dysfunctional organization. For husbands to have success with a smart wife they must understand the roles of the husband and wife in a marriage.

What are the husband and smart wife roles in a marriage?

The role of the husband and wife differ according to the source. According to one source, the wife’s duties are limited to submission to her husband and household duties. Specifically, the wife is the manager of the home with the husband as the overseer of her duties and her life. The wife is responsible for the daily care of children, meal preparation, and keeping the house clean and in manageable order. The wife can take on additional responsibilities such as getting a job.

According to the same source, the primary role of the husband is to provide oversight to his wife and children. He provides oversight in the areas of Bible studies and prayers. The second primary role in the family is to be the breadwinner who provides the financial support for the family. Herein lays the problem with a husband who has a smart wife.

Most smart wives make a sizable salary when compared to their husband and other wives. While the bible points out that the husband is the leader of the family, the husband could feel that his leadership is diminished and challenged due to the role that finances can play in a marriage.

What role do finances play in a marriage that consists of a smart wife?

In America, finances can play a major role in a marriage. According to the 2010 American Community Survey, for 24% of couples the wife earns more money than the husband. While the marriage rate decreases for women who earn more money than men, it is also reported that women who earn more money than their husband are less happy in the marriage. According to a survey of 4,000 married couples, researchers found that the percentage of people who reported being “very happy” declined when the wife earns more money than the husband. While close to 50 percent of wives and husbands reported being very happily married, both spouses are 6 percentage points less likely to report a “very happy” marriage when the wife earns more. They’re 8 percentage points more likely to report marital troubles in the past year and 6 percentage points more likely to have discussed separating in the past year. It also appears to affect divorce rates, as they write that having a wife who earns more than her husband “increases the likelihood of divorce by 50 percent.”

Even though the breadwinner wife is the unhappiest, this can also result in unhappiness for both the husband and the marriage. The husband will need to use alternative strategies to ensure a happy marriage.

What strategy should the husband use to ensure a great marriage with a smart wife?

Husbands need only to replicate the original design for marriage (Ordermige) to ensure happiness for both the wife and husband. The husband needs to ensure that he is a servant and good steward over the resources that God provides (Genesis 2:15). If the husband is a servant then he is following his original purpose as ordained by God. If he is a good steward over the resources, then his smart wife is more likely to trust him with the finances.

The next step is for him to follow God’s instructions. Another way for the husband to ensure financial stability is to follow God’s instructions in the area of tithing. According to Malachi 3:10-11, “Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it. And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, and he shall not destroy the fruits of your ground; neither shall your vine cast her fruit before the time in the field, saith the Lord of hosts.”

The final step is for the husband to ensure that the wife becomes a team player in the area that God has called him to serve. This will add security for the smart wife who is the breadwinner.

Related Articles

I wear the pants but my wife is the smart one: George Clooney

Abby: Wife needs wake-up call on family’s sleep pattern

Photographer shares husband’s touching reaction to wife’s Photoshopped pictures

In Christ,

Dr. Derrick and Mrs. Sheila Campbell

PO Box 1668 Blackwood, NJ 08012

(856) 566-3267 www.advancedmarriagetraining.com

Published books – Leading Your Marriage into the Promised Land -Leading Your Marriage into the Promised Land (Workbook for husbands & Wives) – Advanced Marriage Training for Singles

All Three          Advanced

 

“I was blessed by the love and sensitivity that you and your wife showed during the presentation”.

 

Bishop Joseph P. Ravenell

Samaritan Baptist Church

Trenton, NJ “I would highly recommend you to any church or organization desiring to provide their people with timely marital wisdom and practical application skills”.

 

Dr. James E. Woods, II

El Shaddia Christian Assembly

Philadelphia, PA

Derrick and Sheila

How can husbands make their marriage work?

According to a recent article, making a marriage work involves implementing strategies that are exclusive of the original design for marriage. Husbands are the primary cornerstone for a happy relationship between a man and a woman. Husbands can make their marriage work by placing a premium on the original design for marriage.

 

According to the article, for those who are married, the reality that relationships are hard can be tough to navigate as well. Just as not everyone chooses to get married, there are those who choose to commit to a life-long relationship, despite the difficulties that will inevitably come.

Making marriage satisfying, especially when one is committed to making it work, can often be a frustrating struggle. But it doesn’t always have to be that way, or at least not as daunting as some make it out to be. Just as Bolick seeks to ease the burden of women in the single life, there are those who think making marriage work can be easier than many believe.

The American Conservative’s Eve Tushnet, for example, believes marriage should be a joint effort not only between spouses, but among friends.

“No marriage is an island,” she wrote last week. “Two people can’t always lift a marriage on their own shoulders,” which is why friends and family can be such an important part of any couple’s journey.

Constantly re-evaluating one’s perspective is another important part of making a marriage work. In an article for Psychology Today, Kate Fridkis cited the common problem of simply having unrealistic expectations as a real threat to happy marriages.

“The problem is that we have this mold in the shape of a fairytale, and we’re all trying to cram our sloppy, oozy lives into it, but there’s always some spilling out the sides, getting everything sticky,” she wrote. “We have this image of happily ever stuck in our heads,” and too often it just gets in the way.

If people want their marriages to weather the natural storms that come with any committed relationship, overcoming those obstacles are an important starting point. It may not always be easy, but according to Fridkis the outcome is rewarding.

 

Men can make their marriage by adhering to the original design for marriage which includes the husband as a servant to god, a good steward over the resources that God provides, and following god’s instructions.

 

The Servant Husband

According to Genesis 2:15, God placed Adam in the Garden of Eden to be a servant. The Bible has a great deal to say about servanthood because the central theme of the Bible is the Servant of all—Jesus Christ. “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). When we give Jesus Christ His rightful place as Lord of our lives, His lordship will be expressed in the way we serve others (Mark 9:35; 1 Peter 4:10; John 15:12-13).

 

A Servant is:

 

  • Thankful (Romans 1:8)
  • Prayerful (Romans 1:9)
  • Submitted (Romans 1:10)
  • Giving (Roans 1:11)
  • Humble (Romans 1:12)

The Good Steward

A steward is one who has been given the responsibility to manage or care for someone or something. He’s not the owner. The steward is simply the caretaker. He’s the manager of property belonging to another. As a result, the steward is accountable to the actual owner.

The Bible says that God is the owner of everything and that he gives humanity a stewardship to care for and manage his gifts. Our lives are to be comprehensively God-Centered. God owns everything. We do not. Everything is ultimately for God, not us.

Walking in Obedience

According to Genesis 2: 16-17, God told Adam what he could and could not do. Following God’s instructions requires obedience.

The Bible has much to say about obedience. In fact, obedience is the essence of the Christian faith. Jesus Himself was “obedient unto death, even death on a cross” (Philippians 2:8). For Christians, the act of taking up our cross and following Him (Matthew 16:24) means obedience. The Bible makes it clear that we show our love for Jesus by obeying Him in all things: “If you love Me, keep My commandments” (John 14:15). Obedience is defined as “dutifully complying with the commands, orders, or instructions of one in authority.” Using this definition, we see the elements of biblical obedience. “Dutifully” means it is our obligation to obey God, just as Jesus fulfilled His duty to the Father by dying on the cross for our sin. “Commands, orders or instructions” speaks to the Scriptures in which God has clearly outlined His commandments and His will. “One in authority” is God Himself, whose authority is total and unequivocal. For the Christian, obedience means complying with everything God has commanded because it is our duty to do so. Having said that, it is important to understand that it is the spirit of obedience, not the act of obedience, that is important. The Pharisees relentlessly pursued acts of obedience to the law and by doing so became self-righteous, believing that they deserved to go to heaven by what they had done. Heaven, to them, was a reward owed to them for their good deeds, but the Bible tells us that, to God, all our righteous works are as “filthy rags” (Isaiah 64:6). The obedience that was lacking in the Pharisees was brought to light by Jesus, who exposed their heart attitude. Their hypocrisy in obeying the “letter of the law,” but not the spirit of it, characterized their lives, and Jesus rebuked them sharply for it: “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which indeed appear beautiful outside, but inside they are full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness. Even so you also appear righteous to men outwardly, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and iniquity” (Matthew 23:27-28).

If we love God, we will obey Him, not always and not perfectly, but our desire is to obey Him and our lives give evidence of that desire. When we love God and obey Him, we naturally have love for one another. Obedience is commanded by God, not only because it glorifies Him when we obey, but because it is the best for us. Obedience brings joy, comfort and peace in a world where such things are hard to find, mainly due to disobedience and rejection of God and His Word.

Husbands who desire to make their marriage work will willfully follow God’s original design for marriage by becoming as servant, a good steward, and obeying God.

Related Articles

Most Americans Want Supreme Court to Legalize Gay Marriage — WSJ/NBC Poll

Don’t Get Married Until You Know Who You’re Going To Be When You Grow Up

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage – Years Later

In Christ,

 

Dr. Derrick and Mrs. Sheila Campbell PO Box 1668 Blackwood, NJ 08012 (856) 566-3267 www.advancedmarriagetraining.com

 

Published books – Leading Your Marriage into the Promised Land -Leading Your Marriage into the Promised Land (Workbook for husbands & Wives) – Advanced Marriage Training for Singles

All Three        Advanced

 

“I was blessed by the love and sensitivity that you and your wife showed during the presentation”.

 

Bishop Joseph P. Ravenell

Samaritan Baptist Church

Trenton, NJ “I would highly recommend you to any church or organization desiring to provide their people with timely marital wisdom and practical application skills”.

 

Dr. James E. Woods, II

El Shaddia Christian Assembly

Philadelphia, PA

 

Derrick and Sheila

 

What is the best way to handle criticism from your spouse?

In a recent article, a wife asks a counselor what is the best way to handle criticisms from a spouse. The counselor advises that “the antidote to criticism is to make a direct complaint that is not a global attack on your partner’s personality.” The counselor has error in providing the best way to handle criticism from your spouse without considering how to avoid the characteristics of a dysfunctional organization such as a husband and wife.

The first thing that the husband and wife must understand is that when a man and woman get married they form an organization. According to Genesis 2:22 -23, the husband and wife form one flesh or one organization.

And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man (Genesis 2:22-23 – KJV).

Another scripture that validates when a man and women get married that they become one organization is Ephesians 5:31.

“For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife and they two shall be one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31).

Even from a secular perspective, a husband and wife formulate an organization. We use the following example to prove our point.

  • Two people form an organization
    • Two people become a pair
    • Pair is a couple
    • Couple is a team
    • Team is a group
    • Group is an organization

When husbands and wives attempt to handle criticism from their spouse by responding angrily it is symptomatic of a dysfunctional organization.

A dysfunctional organization transforms through five different levels. The dysfunctional organization begins with each person’s use of defense mechanisms for coping. Defense mechanisms are the unwritten rules an individual learns and utilizes to effectively deal with circumstances that are upsetting, embarrassing, or threatening.

The second level is skilled incompetence, which is the outcome of the defense mechanisms we have internalized. When the defensive behaviors we’ve learned are transformed into a learned behavior, that behavior becomes a skill – albeit an incompetent skill – that we consider necessary in order to deal with issues that are embarrassing, threatening, or upsetting. A skill that is learned from the regular application of a defense mechanism has a high degree of incompetence embedded within it, because we are unaware of how this skill will impact our future.

Skilled incompetence transforms into a defensive routine. Defensive routines are the third level. When the skilled incompetence is automatically exhibited at all times, the behavior is now a defensive routine.

Defensive routines lead to fancy footwork. Fancy footwork is the fourth level. Fancy footwork happens when individuals try to deny the behavioral inconsistencies they exhibit, or else they place blame on other people, which results in distancing themselves from taking responsibility for their behavioral inconsistencies.

Fancy footwork leads to organizational malaise. Organizational malaise is the final level. During this phase the individuals in the marriage will seek to find fault within the other spouse rather than accept responsibility for their actions and correct their behavior accordingly. The individual continues the process by accentuating the negative and deemphasizing the positive in an effort to cover up their actions. The organizational malaise is further exacerbated by a refusal of one or all the members to discuss their area of responsibility.

In order for the husband and wife to handle criticism from their spouse appropriately, they must evaluate their commitments and the commitments of their spouse. Since the foundation for a dysfunctional marriage is the defensive mechanisms stage we must evaluate those values developed at that stage.

Use the following steps to evaluate your complaints:

  1. Get a blank sheet of paper
  2. Draw a line down the middle of the paper
  3. At the top of the left side write: Complaint
  4. At the top on the right side write: Commitment
  5. Write down your top ten complaints on the left side
  6. On the right side, write your commitment for each complaint

Use the following steps to evaluate your spouses complaints:

 

  1. Get a blank sheet of paper
  2. Draw a line down the middle of the paper
  3. At the top of the left side write: Complaint
  4. At the top on the right side write: Commitment
  5. Write down your spouses top ten complaints on the left side
  6. On the right side, write your spouses commitment for each complaint

Instead of complaint to your spouse tell them what your is your commitment. When your spouse is complaining respond by saying: Is your commitment ______________? This will help you to have a deeper understanding of what your spouse is committed to and help to better handle criticism from your spouse.

Related Articles

‘Family math’ doesn’t always add up

Rethinking the ‘Problems With Black Marriage’

How to Handle Criticism from Your Spouse

 

Dr. Derrick and Mrs. Sheila Campbell

PO Box 1668 Blackwood, NJ 08012

(856) 566-3267 www.advancedmarriagetraining.com

 

Published books – Leading Your Marriage into the Promised Land -Leading Your Marriage into the Promised Land (Workbook for husbands & Wives) – Advanced Marriage Training for Singles

 All Three     Advanced

“I was blessed by the love and sensitivity that you and your wife showed during the presentation”.

 

Bishop Joseph P. Ravenell

Samaritan Baptist Church

Trenton, NJ “I would highly recommend you to any church or organization desiring to provide their people with timely marital wisdom and practical application skills”.

 

Dr. James E. Woods, II

El Shaddia Christian Assembly

Philadelphia, PA

Derrick and Sheila