What makes a good wife?

For centuries the definition of a good wife continues to transform. In biblical and in modern times the evolution of the role of a women has a defining impact on this definition. In order to establish what makes a good wife we must evaluate the primary role before the evolution of the wife.

We find the first mention of a good wife in Genesis 2:18. According to the Holy bible, Eve was the first woman created for the man – Adam.

And the LORD God said: ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him (Genesis 2:18).

It meant that Adam was elevated to the team leader and Eve was elevated to be his primary team player.

What are the characteristics of a team player that would make a good wife?

Before we provide the definition of a team player we must entertain the thought of a team. A team is a group organized to work together for a common goal or project. A team player is a person who does his/her best to do his part in cooperation with the other members of the team. A team player does not seek to be a one-person show, but works together with his/her teammates and relies on their skills and abilities as he/she seeks to use his/her abilities and gifts in a cooperative way.

Other team player characteristics include:

  1. Humility – Godly humility is a wife who is comfortable with who she is and will therefore put her husband first. A wife cannot exhibit humility without exhibiting submissiveness.
  2. Submission – A wife’s submission to her husband is in response to her love and devotion to the Lord first. She submits to the Lord out of a humble and grateful heart, not because she is a slave, but a servant. Likewise, biblical submission in marriage is servanthood, not enslavement. A godly wife is motivated to submit to her husband, not out of fear, self-interest, or self-protection, but out of love ( 1 Peter 3:6 ).
  3. Prayerfulness – Results from a deep concern for God and the beliefs associated with Christianity.
  4. Dependability – Involves constant reliability and trustworthiness. Trustworthiness includes: (a) A spiritual commitment to God’s way of life, successfully resisting human nature and temptation. (b) Taking financial responsibility to live within one’s means, avoiding unnecessary debt, managing necessary debt and working together to decide the family’s financial issues. (c) A personal commitment to what is best for his or her spouse. (Your spouse makes you feel safe and secure. He or she accomplishes this through countless gestures, large and small, conveying respect, kindness and gentleness. This will help the husband to continue in his commitments and build trust between him and his wife.
  5. Holiness – A separation from the world and a consecration to God with a focus on ethical and moral values found in the Holy Scriptures. Jesus Christ is our perfect example of holiness. As God He is the Word of God but as a man He relied on the Word of God in every situation. His reliance on the Word of God made Him to have the mind of God. Through His reliance on the Word of God He loved what God loved and hated what God hated. Jesus lived a holy life according to the will of God because He valued and nurtured a relationship with God through His life of prayer. Jesus Christ was so intimate with God that He depended on His Spirit to lead and guide Him. He did not do anything apart from the Holy Spirit that was given to Him “without measure” (John 3:34). Holiness, as the word implies, is the work of the Holy Spirit. It means to be like minded with God and set apart for His service.
  6. Integrity – Biblical integrity is not just doing the right thing; it includes having the right heart and allowing the person you are on the inside to match the person you are on the outside. It also requires an individual to be consistent with their integrity behaviors.

Following these characteristics are that the a good wife works with her husband for a common goal. She will do her best to cooperate with her husband with the skills that God has given her. She will not seek to circumvent her husbands calling and decide to do her own thing rather than working in a cooperative way with her husband.

Herein lies the problem for most marriages. Many wives have not had an opportunity to benefit from the development involved in teamwork. Young male youth’s are indoctrinated into the teamwork concept through participation in sports. And only recently have young females had the opportunities to become groomed into the team building process. It still remains that their participation in sports is limited. Husbands must take an active role in developing their wives to become better team players.

The husband must begin with determining his God given purpose. If at all possible, the perspective husband should make this determination before selecting a wife. The husband can determine his God given purpose by evaluating his Spiritual Gift(s) and making a connection to his past experiences for the direction of his calling. After the husband has determined his God given purpose, it is a mistake to attempt to force this vision upon their wife. The husband must insist that the wife use the same process to determine her God ordained purpose. After this, make comparisons of the two separate visions and develop steps for including the wife in your God ordained vision. The road will become tough at times, but through faith, God will deliver the both of you into the purpose that He has ordained for your marriage.

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In Christ,

 

Dr. Derrick and Mrs. Sheila Campbell
PO Box 4707
Cherry Hill, NJ 08012

(856) 566-3267
www.advancedmarriagetraining.com

Published books – Leading Your Marriage into the Promised Land

-Leading Your Marriage into the Promised Land (Workbook for husbands & Wives)

– Advanced Marriage Training for Singles

 – Husband Leadership Principles

               

 

“I was blessed by the love and sensitivity that you and your wife showed during the presentation”.

 

Bishop Joseph P. Ravenell

Samaritan Baptist Church

Trenton, NJ

“I would highly recommend you to any church or organization desiring to provide their people with timely marital wisdom and practical application skills”.

 

Dr. James E. Woods, II

El Shaddia Christian Assembly

Philadelphia, PA

 

 

 

 

How can wives save their marriage?

A recent article provides a wife advice that could devastate their marriage and lead to a divorce. Divorce should not be an option when infidelity is not involved. Wives  can save their marriage by taking their rightful place as outlined in the original design of marriage.

According to the article, Advice for the Modern Man: Can I Still Save My Marriage, the wife has several complaints regarding her marriage. This wife complains that she initialized several efforts to save her marriage. She has had several conversations with her husband in which he agrees to help save their marriage. She has even attempted to withdraw from the wedding, but her then fiancé told her that things would get better. She also stated that her husband is neither physically nor emotionally abusive.

The article author believes that the husband is negligent and the wife should use her existence in the marriage as a tool to enhance her husband’s behavior. “The time for generalities and hollow threats is over. It’s about action now. And if, for whatever reason, he still won’t get off the sectional, you have to be willing to walk away”, says the author.

The advice provided by this author is treacherous on several fronts. First, since the husband has not committed any acts associated with infidelity, she has no grounds to leave her husband. The Holy Scriptures are very clear in the area of infidelity (Matthew 5:32 &1 Corinthians 7:10 – 7:11)

But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery (Matthew 5:32).

And unto the married I command, [yet] not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from [her] husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to [her] husband: and let not the husband put away [his] wife  (1 Corinthians 7:10 – 7:11).

Secondly, the author should address the husband’s behavior for embracing the sectional. The husband either does not work and the sectional has become a place of comfort. Or he works very hard and uses the sectional as a device of refuge. In either case, this husband has missed the purpose of his marriage which is outlined in the original design of marriage.

Instead on complaining and exhibiting self-centered behaviors, the wife needs to exhibit behaviors associated with her role in the original design of marriage. The wife can find her original role in Genesis 2:18. In this verse, she is to help the husband with his God ordained purpose. But according to the article, she wants to be the center of the marriage. She not only wants to place herself above the needs of her husband, but she wants to place herself above God.

There are several women in the bible who decided to put themselves above their husband which resulted in devastation for the wife. One example is Queen Vashti.

In the Book of Esther, Queen Vashti is the wife of King Ahasuerus. While her husband was holding a banquet for his princes, nobles and servants, Vashti was holding a separate banquet for the women. On the seventh day of the banquet, the king ordered his seven chamberlains to summon Vashti to come before him and his guests wearing only her royal crown, in order to display her beauty. Queen Vashti refused to come, and the king became angry. He asked his advisers how the queen should be punished for her disobedience. His adviser Memucan told him that Vashti has wronged not only the king, but also all of the husbands of Persia, whose wives may be encouraged by Vashti’s act of disobedience. Memucan encouraged King Ahasuerus to dismiss Queen Vashti and find another queen. King Ahasuerus took Memucan’s advice, and sent letters to all of the provinces that men should dominate in their households. Ahasuerus subsequently chooses Esther as his queen to replaced former Queen Vashti.

Instead of taking advice that can result in a divorce, wives can take their rightful place in their marriage by becoming the intimate team player. This is their position according to the original design of marriage. In this way, they will work together as a team and therefore avoid the atrocities associated with divorce by positioning their marriage to prosper.

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In Christ,

 

Dr. Derrick and Mrs. Sheila Campbell
PO Box 4707
Cherry Hill, NJ 08012

(856) 566-3267
www.advancedmarriagetraining.com

Published books – Leading Your Marriage into the Promised Land

-Leading Your Marriage into the Promised Land (Workbook for husbands & Wives)

– Advanced Marriage Training for Singles

– Husband Leadership Principles

 All Three     Advanced     Husband Leadership Book     high-res-png     luveuphoria-app-for-facebook-png

 

“I was blessed by the love and sensitivity that you and your wife showed during the presentation”.

 

Bishop Joseph P. Ravenell

Samaritan Baptist Church

Trenton, NJ

“I would highly recommend you to any church or organization desiring to provide their people with timely marital wisdom and practical application skills”.

 

Dr. James E. Woods, II

El Shaddia Christian Assembly

Philadelphia, PA

 Derrick and Sheila

 

Why is submission in a marriage a powerful tool for wives?

In a recent article, the marriage roles of a pastor husband and his wife are met with challenges and opposition. The wife displays her discontent with the husband’s controlling behavior by demanding her “freedom”. If the wife was aware of her power that she posses through submission, she would enhance the overall quality of her marriage.

 

The husband is a pastor who admits to using a tracking device on his wife’s cell phone, asking her to be put on speaker, and always wanting to know where she is going. His wife responds by stating, “I’m fed up with the way that Jason treats me. I’ve been taught that I need to submit; submitting means Hubby is always right,” … “I am tired of being controlled. I am ready to be my own person.”

 

The pastor acknowledges that he has some questionable behavior. “I can be a jerk. I can be controlling and manipulative. I want to know what’s happening, when it’s happening, why it’s happening. There have been times I’ve been verbally abusive,” he says. He also says that he’s punched a wall out of anger and has pushed his wife out of the way to get to their bedroom. “I believe a wife is the weaker vessel, leaning on her husband, who’s supposed to be stronger, that’s just the way God made us.” Jason continues, “I want her to be her own person. It’s important that Sarah has an independent nature with a submissive characteristic.

Wives have the ability to enhance their marriages through submission to their husband. Ephesians 5:22 states, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord”. The book of Ephesians is written as a guide to overcome spiritual warfare. In all marriages there is a spiritual war against the family. We find that the spiritual war began in the book of Genesis.

We also find in the book of Ester the power that a wife possesses when she submits to her husband. The story of Ester actually begins with queen Vasti. Queen Vasti was a beautiful queen of Ahasuerus, who was deposed from her royal dignity because she refused to obey the king when he desired her to appear in the banqueting hall of Shushan the palace (Ester 1:10-12). The king banished queen Visti from his kingdom and sought a new wife.

After king Ahasuerus divorced queen Vashti, he chose Esther to be his wife. Shortly thereafter he gave Haman the Agagite, his prime minister, power and authority to kill all the Jews throughout the Persian empire. By queen Esther’s intervention this catastrophe was averted. Haman was hanged on the gallows he had intended for Mordecai (Esth 7); and the Jews established an annual feast, the feast of Purim, in memory of their deliverance.

The submission for queen Esther came in hoe she approached the king. According to Esther 5: 1-2, On the third day, Esther dressed up in her royal clothing and stood in the inner courtyard of the palace facing it. The king was sitting on his royal throne in the royal courtroom, facing its entrance.  As soon as the king saw Queen Esther standing in the courtyard, she won his approval. The king extended the gold scepter in his hand toward Esther, and she approached and touched the tip of the scepter.

One of the major rules that the king had was that you were not allowed to approach him without his permission. If Esther had not submitted to her husbands rule of how to approach him she would have never saved her people.

While many wives do not desire to adhere to the rules outlined by their husbands, submission in the marriage endows the wife with power that can overcome any spiritual battle.

Related Articles

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Dr. Derrick and Mrs. Sheila Campbell PO Box 1668 Blackwood, NJ 08012 (856) 566-3267 www.advancedmarriagetraining.com

 

Published books – Leading Your Marriage into the Promised Land -Leading Your Marriage into the Promised Land (Workbook for husbands & Wives) – Advanced Marriage Training for Singles

All Three     Advanced

“I was blessed by the love and sensitivity that you and your wife showed during the presentation”.

Bishop Joseph P. Ravenell

Samaritan Baptist Church

Trenton, NJ “I would highly recommend you to any church or organization desiring to provide their people with timely marital wisdom and practical application skills”.

 

Dr. James E. Woods, II

El Shaddia Christian Assembly

Philadelphia, PA

Derrick and Sheila

What is the best way to handle criticism from your spouse?

In a recent article, a wife asks a counselor what is the best way to handle criticisms from a spouse. The counselor advises that “the antidote to criticism is to make a direct complaint that is not a global attack on your partner’s personality.” The counselor has error in providing the best way to handle criticism from your spouse without considering how to avoid the characteristics of a dysfunctional organization such as a husband and wife.

The first thing that the husband and wife must understand is that when a man and woman get married they form an organization. According to Genesis 2:22 -23, the husband and wife form one flesh or one organization.

And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man (Genesis 2:22-23 – KJV).

Another scripture that validates when a man and women get married that they become one organization is Ephesians 5:31.

“For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife and they two shall be one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31).

Even from a secular perspective, a husband and wife formulate an organization. We use the following example to prove our point.

  • Two people form an organization
    • Two people become a pair
    • Pair is a couple
    • Couple is a team
    • Team is a group
    • Group is an organization

When husbands and wives attempt to handle criticism from their spouse by responding angrily it is symptomatic of a dysfunctional organization.

A dysfunctional organization transforms through five different levels. The dysfunctional organization begins with each person’s use of defense mechanisms for coping. Defense mechanisms are the unwritten rules an individual learns and utilizes to effectively deal with circumstances that are upsetting, embarrassing, or threatening.

The second level is skilled incompetence, which is the outcome of the defense mechanisms we have internalized. When the defensive behaviors we’ve learned are transformed into a learned behavior, that behavior becomes a skill – albeit an incompetent skill – that we consider necessary in order to deal with issues that are embarrassing, threatening, or upsetting. A skill that is learned from the regular application of a defense mechanism has a high degree of incompetence embedded within it, because we are unaware of how this skill will impact our future.

Skilled incompetence transforms into a defensive routine. Defensive routines are the third level. When the skilled incompetence is automatically exhibited at all times, the behavior is now a defensive routine.

Defensive routines lead to fancy footwork. Fancy footwork is the fourth level. Fancy footwork happens when individuals try to deny the behavioral inconsistencies they exhibit, or else they place blame on other people, which results in distancing themselves from taking responsibility for their behavioral inconsistencies.

Fancy footwork leads to organizational malaise. Organizational malaise is the final level. During this phase the individuals in the marriage will seek to find fault within the other spouse rather than accept responsibility for their actions and correct their behavior accordingly. The individual continues the process by accentuating the negative and deemphasizing the positive in an effort to cover up their actions. The organizational malaise is further exacerbated by a refusal of one or all the members to discuss their area of responsibility.

In order for the husband and wife to handle criticism from their spouse appropriately, they must evaluate their commitments and the commitments of their spouse. Since the foundation for a dysfunctional marriage is the defensive mechanisms stage we must evaluate those values developed at that stage.

Use the following steps to evaluate your complaints:

  1. Get a blank sheet of paper
  2. Draw a line down the middle of the paper
  3. At the top of the left side write: Complaint
  4. At the top on the right side write: Commitment
  5. Write down your top ten complaints on the left side
  6. On the right side, write your commitment for each complaint

Use the following steps to evaluate your spouses complaints:

 

  1. Get a blank sheet of paper
  2. Draw a line down the middle of the paper
  3. At the top of the left side write: Complaint
  4. At the top on the right side write: Commitment
  5. Write down your spouses top ten complaints on the left side
  6. On the right side, write your spouses commitment for each complaint

Instead of complaint to your spouse tell them what your is your commitment. When your spouse is complaining respond by saying: Is your commitment ______________? This will help you to have a deeper understanding of what your spouse is committed to and help to better handle criticism from your spouse.

Related Articles

‘Family math’ doesn’t always add up

Rethinking the ‘Problems With Black Marriage’

How to Handle Criticism from Your Spouse

 

Dr. Derrick and Mrs. Sheila Campbell

PO Box 1668 Blackwood, NJ 08012

(856) 566-3267 www.advancedmarriagetraining.com

 

Published books – Leading Your Marriage into the Promised Land -Leading Your Marriage into the Promised Land (Workbook for husbands & Wives) – Advanced Marriage Training for Singles

 All Three     Advanced

“I was blessed by the love and sensitivity that you and your wife showed during the presentation”.

 

Bishop Joseph P. Ravenell

Samaritan Baptist Church

Trenton, NJ “I would highly recommend you to any church or organization desiring to provide their people with timely marital wisdom and practical application skills”.

 

Dr. James E. Woods, II

El Shaddia Christian Assembly

Philadelphia, PA

Derrick and Sheila